So far it has been a great start to the New year. Sort of.. I‚Äôm getting healthier, fewer headaches due to the Botox shots (31 of them in my skull, neck and shoulders), and on the first Wednesday of the New Year I got my Back surgery to have 4 nerves burned (radio frequency) to kill (semi permanent) in my lower back. Now that‚Äôs a story you have to read about. Plus I became a Gramma for the first time. My Year has started off with a Bang‚Ä¶
First off I start with the Rant: I get told that I am going to be a grandmother. As you may already know, if you read my Christmas post earlier in the December posts. I‚Äôm so very excited about that.. However, my son and I are struggling with our relationship right now. Who doesn‚Äôt have problems with their relationships.. He is my first born and we had a fantastic relationship until he was about 14 or 15 and something happened, he and my now-Ex-Husband, his Step-father (used to be best friends until my son hit that age) just could NOT get along. Not sure if was your typical teenage hormone / problematic male problems or if it was something else all together..
But I was left clue less. My son sought out support else where and no longer came to me to talk it out‚Ä¶ Until that age we talked about everything, I was the one that he came to about everything. I helped him through everything including his first heart break. Don‚Äôt get me wrong, I continued to be a ROCK for him. I was always there for him, supporting him 110%, letting him know that it didn‚Äôt matter what was going on in his life that he could always talk to me about anything and I would never judge him. But, for some reason he just never felt he could come to me. He relied on someone else. It just wasn‚Äôt until the last few years that he revealed WHO that someone was..
I have to admit, it disturbed me quite a bit. Hurt my feelings as this person is a grown woman my age, and all this time, she neglected to reach out to me and let me know that my son was (at the time) sneaking out of my home at night and going to her home (as a teenager). Finding out now, that this woman was being his ‚Äúsupport group‚Äù as it were.. In my mind, she should have done the right thing, and called me and told me where my son was, talked to me ‚Äúadult to adult | mom to mom‚Äù and told me that my son was having problems, or at the least called me to tell me that I needed to talk to my son as he was needing help with issues.. but NO.. she decided to play ‚ÄúMOMMIE‚Äù to my son, taking his feelings for her own TOY.. allowing him to form a bond with her, destroying MY bond with my son.. So he tells me that he has this ‚ÄúSTRONG BOND‚Äù with her, such a strong bond that he feels as though she is a ‚ÄúMOM figure‚Äù to him. He wishes to call her ‚ÄúMOM‚Äù.. And more so that his now new child on the way.. he wishes his new child to call her ‚ÄúGRAMA‚Äù..
Now, I have a problem with this.. I AM HIS MOTHER.. NOT her.. and I AM THE GRANDMOTHER, NOT HER‚Ä¶ Am I wrong??? I don‚Äôt feel that I am Jealous here. I feel that I am being disrespected by this woman.. that my son has been dooped or taken advantage of and mislead.. My son, now 22 yrs old. Does not see that he is being disrespectful to ME.. by allowing her to do this, and by him calling her MOM.
Last mothers day he spent the day with Her, NOT me.. He didn‚Äôt even call me and tell me Happy mothers day.. My son said that he wasn‚Äôt mad at me or anything. He said that he didn‚Äôt know it was mothers day.. He just over slept.. He made time on Mothers day to go see my Ex husband, my Ex father in law.. But couldn‚Äôt come see me.. He had come down the week before and came to see me ONE day but only stayed for 30 minutes to visit with me.. The rest of the time he stayed with the woman that he now calls ‚ÄúMOM‚Äù which also happens to be the mother of his Best friend‚Ä¶. (My son lives in Colorado) We are in Missouri.. Instead of seeing me on Mothers day, He left to go back home the next day. He stopped in to see me for 5 minutes before he left to go home.
Second: You read earlier a few months back I got the Botox Shots to aid in the headaches.. Well, so far it‚Äôs been over 1.5 months.. It‚Äôs been doing great. I went from daily massive headaches. and over 14+ migraines each month.. NOW with the shot, in the first month. NO Daily headaches, and only 6 or 7 Migraines.. 2nd month I experienced 4 or 5 migraines but my daily headaches came back, I wake up with a pretty bad one that dissipates after about an hour, then around 1 every day I get mostly mild to moderate tension headaches and but they are very tolerable ones that I hardly notice at all. So far, I think it is very worth it.. I have noticed though, I seriously need to see an allergist.. Allergies have hit me very hard and allergy headaches are kicking my butt
Third and last: Yesterday I went in for the Nerve surgery on my back.. I‚Äôve had severe back pain for so many years now. Since I was a kid really. the nerves in my lower back have been shot since I was very young. Overly sensitive is how I would explain it. I couldn‚Äôt do even the simplest of tasks without it throwing me to the ground in pain. well, the Dr. Finally decided that using radio frequency to burn the nerves was what we were going to try‚Ä¶ So, yesterday with the help of some Valium to calm me (didn‚Äôt work so hot) we would get that done.. He worked on doing 4 nerves in my back. the first two, very painful, was indeed quick. Even though when you (the DR. ) touched the nerve it caused me to yell out in screeching pain (anyone that has had this done knows exactly what I am talking about). Plus he had to keep moving it, touching the nerve and asking me where the pain was at and the intensity of the pain to make sure it was in the right spot.. Cant have it sending pain down my legs. it has to be ‚Äú ON SPOT ‚Äú only. Meer seconds feel like, dragging on minutes and that is excruciating and forever..
THEN: the machine that does the radio frequency burning ‚Äúwouldn‚Äôt work‚Äù so for about 10 minutes I had to sit there with these HUGE metal rods sticking out of my back while they try to get it to work.. and while another person comes in and out of the room. Putting me at risk of an infection. The Rods, my fianc√© said, looked to be around 1/4 of an inch thick maybe not quite that thick‚Ä¶ but there was no numbing except topical so I wouldn‚Äôt feel it going through the top layer of skin. otherwise, It hurt having the rods just sit there.. Once the machine started working finally, it felt like it was vibrating on the nerve. If it worked right, the feeling I would feel is a steady ache for about a minute then it would go away‚Ä¶. Great.. First two down. Next two to go.
SO.. the Dr. gets started on putting the next two rods in, the first one was a little stubborn and it took two tries but it went in.. Especially when he hooked up the machine and instead of an aching feeling it sent horrible stabbing pain down my leg. admittedly the Pissed of sound of yelling ‚ÄúOwe that hurts‚Äù worried me (yes mine), I was afraid my fianc√© might come running in and knock out the Dr. I couldn‚Äôt help it though. That nerve must have been a bit tender, it seemed it hurt much more than the first two‚Ä¶ I had no idea this last one was going to be much much worse. When the Dr got to the last one, he tapped it in and hit the nerve and it was like I was being murdered. I nearly jumped off the table. I bit my lip and split it. Then he poked it in the same spot again and I screamed, very HIGH pitch this time, and this time I could hear my Fianc√© outside the door. All I could do was say ‚ÄúNO NO NO NO‚Äù over and over again. The Poor Dr. Kept saying ‚Äú I‚Äôm so sorry ‚Äú over and over‚Ä¶ I knew that he had to do it, in order to find the right spot.. He hooked up the machine and it sent pain down the my leg and I screamed again‚Ä¶ He moved the rod again, I screamed, we kept repeating our processes 4 times until we finally got it right.. He was apologizing the whole time. By this time I was shaking so hard I couldn‚Äôt stop, I tried not to scream but that kind of pain you just can‚Äôt help it. I bit my lip so hard it was bloody‚Ä¶ Well, after it was all done, he gave me some pain meds and asked me how I feel. I said that I would much rather give birth to a child than go through that again‚Ä¶.
Today, I feel where the rods were.. But I helped carry a desk in and the nerves are dead. I no longer have that pain where I normally couldn‚Äôt carry a bag of potato’s without throwing my back out from the nerve damage HOT DAMN.. I can work in my garden this summer.. That is if the nerves don‚Äôt grow back.. IF there is a god he will leave the nerves DEAD.
And that is how my New year has begun..
I have some great things to look forward to. Hopefully my son will talk to me so that I can have a new relationship with him and get to know my Grand child.
I will get to have a new life with my new ‚Äúno headaches‚Äù and ‚Äúno back pain‚Äù.